The King of Diamonds

The King of Diamonds: Joshua Martin

“Jer, it’s fine we’ll find them.”

“I can’t believe I can’t find them. I know I put the slides right here. I have to have them for the presentation.” Jer frantically pulled boxes down from their overcrowded  closet. Papers filled with his scrawl swirled and fluttered like a miniature indoor blizzard.

“Making a bigger mess won’t help you find them.”

“How can you sit there all calm? This is important. I have to give the presentation.”

“Jer, I asked you two days ago if you had everything together. I know you hate public speaking.” Josh walked over to his partner, looped an arm around his waist, and pulled him close. “Calm down; we’ll find them.”

“Calm down! You’re not the one standing up in front of all my supposed supportive and friendly colleagues who hate me. They’re waiting for me to make an idiot of myself. Well, now they’ll get their chance.”

“Stop it. I told you I’d help you find them. I think we put them under the bed in the spare room. Put these boxes back and I’ll look.”

“I’ve looked already. All I could find was dust and junk.”

“I’ll look again. I know how you look.” Josh needed to finish making the shelves for the basement. Jer had an allergy to neatness and order, and they spent way too much time in an endless scramble for lost objects. He’d found four ties in his partner’s car last week when he borrowed it and the remains of some long forgotten groceries.

Josh tugged Jer along with him to look under the bed. Keeping his hands on his volatile partner seemed to keep him calm, and it was obvious that leaving him alone to clean up the disaster of the bedroom was not going to be productive. Josh would have to put everything away again. He always did, and he really didn’t mind. Jer was worth a few household mini volcanoes.

Josh squatted down and pulled a box out from under the bed. “Lecture series one through three,” he read off the top. “This is what you were looking for, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” Jer paused his eyes wide with an anguish that only he seemed to be able to feel when these small disasters befell their household. “I need a keeper.”

“I thought I already had that role. Keeper, repairman, plumber, lawn guy, and lover extraordinaire.” Josh pulled Jer close and kissed him fiercely. “I like the lover part best.”

“Stop,” Jer said pushing Josh off. “I’m serious. I need a keeper. How can you stand to keep dealing with this? How can you love me?”

“I’d love you if I had to turn the whole town upside down every day to find your socks. I don’t mind. I’m well compensated in other ways.” Josh tried to kiss Jer again.

“Stop. I’m serious.” Jer pulled away, his shoulders hunched, and Josh thought he saw the faintest trickle of a tear in the corner of his eye.

“Honey, I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

“I know.” Jer swiped quickly at his eyes and turned away. “I don’t want to live like this. I can’t take this any longer.”

“Jer, you’re a brilliant man. Losing a few things is not the end of the world.”

“I don’t lose a few things. I lose everything. I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached.”

“Probably.” Josh chuckled softly. “Being absent minded is not a fatal flaw.”

“I’m not absent minded. I live in chaos.” Jer’s voice rose to near ear splitting levels, and Josh knew from experience the anger would manifest itself in a kicked wall or a spitting, growling retreat followed by horrible thuds as Jer tossed around both breakable and unbreakable items.

“We found the slides. There’s no reason to be upset.”

“I don’t want to look for things all the time. I can’t do this.” Jer hit the wall with his fist, his face screwed up in an effort to hide the tears. “Make it stop.”

“What stop?” What did Jer want? What was he asking? Jer lost things. He made beauty with his equations; even Josh could see that with his elementary math skills. A brilliant scientist was allowed a few eccentricities. The absent minded professor.

“I hate it. I hate it.” Jer kicked the wall, rattling the hideous figurines inherited from some aunt in their shelves.

“Stop now!” Josh heard himself say in a voice he’d never used with Jer. It was the voice he used on the job site when people were doing stupid and dangerous things. 

Jer froze, his foot resting against the baseboard.

“You don’t abuse this house because you’re not happy or you're frustrated.”

“Yes, sir.” The voice was soft, almost relieved. Gone was the wildness that only moments before had threatened to explode in a misguided overflow of frustrations.

“Sit.” Josh pointed at the bed. 

Jer sat, his head down, the horrible rigid tension through his neck and shoulders gone. He looked like a small boy caught out, ashamed at his own naughtiness but no longer overwhelmed.

Josh sat beside him, stroking the broad back. What had he done? He’d ordered his lover to stop. His voice had been unquestionably threatening. What did he say now?

“I think you need to do that more often.” Jer said, breaking the silence and shifting so more of his weight was against Josh. 

“You’re my lover. I shouldn’t talk to you that way.”

“I want you to,” Jer said softly. “I need you to. It worked. Don’t you see that?”

“I can’t order you around. It wouldn’t be right.” Josh beat down the feelings that were rising unbidden in his soul. It hadn’t felt wrong, not when Jer had stopped and calmed so quickly. He’d watched his lover tear himself apart over trivia. That felt wrong. Josh was bossy; he knew that. Jer hadn’t hated him instantly; he must at some level be attracted to that bossiness.

“I can’t do it alone. I’ve tried; I’m a dismal failure.”

“You’ve never failed at anything you’ve really tried at.”

“I’ve tried, Josh,” Jer said, his voice thick with unshed tears. “Do it for me.”

“Do what?” Josh tightened his arm around his partner, his need to comfort overshadowing his rising discomfort at this conversation. Josh wasn’t as ignorant as he was pretending. He knew there were relationships where one partner controlled the other. He was a natural dom, or so he’d been told. He’d found himself in someone’s dungeon at nineteen. The excitement had been electric, but he’d sworn he’d never go back. 

“Make me stop losing things.” Jer hesitated. “Punish me.”

“I can’t.” He couldn’t take that power in his hands. It was something he must never touch. “I could hurt you.”

“I trust you. Please.”

God, he should say no. Put a stop to this foolishness, but the pain in Jer’s voice was so raw, so unshielded and desperate.

“What do I need to do?”